How To Manage Guilt When Taking Time For Yourself
One of the biggest barriers to taking time for self-care and investing in personal renewal is this idea that we really should be doing something else. And, of course, there is so much other stuff we should be doing - cleaning the house, writing an assessment, meal prepping, invoicing, spending quality time with the kids, the list goes on. The effort it takes to carve out time for ourselves in this chaotic and demanding world can sometimes prove to be its own kind of burden. Not to mention that, on top of that, we’re often served with a dose of guilt, assuming that time spent on ourselves is indulgent, selfish and should only be prioritised after we have completed ticked off every item on our mortifying to-do list.
After having my son, I felt as if time carved out for myself took on a prima donna-esque tone. Even with everything I knew about the importance of self-care and personal renewal, the act of prioritising time for myself felt grossly indulgent. Walking away from existing tasks and expectations felt like an act of reckless abandonment. It was uncomfortable, even shameful but, also completely necessary.
No one tells you that one of the greatest barriers to investing time in yourself and your own wellbeing is your own emotional resistance to doing so. Those feelings of shame, of guilt, of selfishness and recklessness are uncomfortable to reckon with. They almost feel as if they are bodily markers defending the case against you claiming that important time. In truth, we must forge on and claim personal renewal in spite of these emotional defences.
Here are a few ways I’ve learned to reckon with emotional resistance towards self-care & personal renewal. I hope they’ll be helpful to you too.
See it as an investment in expansion.
This is probably the best tool in the arsenal for all the fellow productivity nuts. When you take a step back to invest time in yourself, you are enabling yourself to move forward into your life and responsibilities with greater focus, energy and vigour. Instead of seeing self-care as a slacking-off from other important tasks and demands, reframe it as an act of refuelling the engine and invigorating you for the ongoing journey.
Honour your spectrum of needs.
Most of us are aware of our physical needs - those practices we must invest in in order to keep our body running well - primarily, sleep, movement, diet. But human beings also have emotional needs - a need to feel masterful & competent at tasks, a need to feel a sense of belonging and affiliation with others or a larger community, and a need to feel autonomous and independent. Depending on what acts of personal renewal you are investing in, you’re providing yourself the opportunity to meet important physical and emotional needs. This is crucial for long-term health and wellbeing.
Meet yourself as you are.
Some of us will have more (or different) self-care demands than others, and that’s okay. It’s easy to compare yourself to another person and go “Well, they don’t need to do yoga everyday, or go to a weekly art class, or get a fortnightly massage...” Those comparisons can stoke the shame of our own self-care practices. Personally, I see myself as quite high maintenance (hate that for me), where I require daily meditation, gratitude & journalling, movement at least three times a week, as well as scheduled time alone. I’ve tried to cut back on these practices - feeling that they’re frightfully indulgent - but I’ve worked out what, at a minimum, works for me and I’m getting better at claiming it.
Recognise the guilt.
There might not be a surefire way to eliminate the creeping guilt that arises when you take time for yourself, so the next best thing is to be aware of it. How does guilt manifest in your body? Where does it live? What does it feel like? Guilt can be a very useful emotion, but sometimes it’s poorly calibrated and shows up too enthusiastically in contexts where it’s not helpful.
Find an ally.
Just like your manager or boss might hold you accountable for getting tasks done for work, find an ally who can hold you accountable for taking time for self-care. Someone who encourages and enables you to take time for yourself - and sees it as the necessary investment it is. This might be a therapist, a friend, a parent or a colleague. I’m grateful enough to have a partner who is always encouraging my self-care habits, and who also honours his - giving me permission to claim my own time knowing that it makes me a better partner, mother, friend, student and psychologist!
Commit to scrappy self-care.
Okay - so what if I don’t have the time or resources to get the opportunity for self-care & personal renewal? I hear you. It’s bloody hard. When that’s the case, it seems easier just to cast off self-care obligations and leave it for when time/resources present themselves. Unfortunately, if you’re not courageously claiming that time, or at least some time, your time is just going to get eaten up by other extraneous demands (which will always exist). In such cases, you want to commit to scrappy self-care - find pockets of time here and there that you can spend on yourself. Commit by scheduling them in your diary, and revise regularly as demands and opportunities shift week to week.
To help in your pursuit of scrappy self-care, I have just released a 3-pack of Make-It-Happen menu magnets, designed to help you devise a menu of self-care options for different pockets of time in your day. You can check them out here.
