How Therapists’ Feel Their Feelings
Therapists are largely in the business of feelings. They support us in understanding our own emotions and how/why they manifest and how our thoughts and behaviour are linked to our emotional states. They also help us learn more about how we might connect with and manage our emotions in the moment.
But therapists have feelings too. And just like us, they experience their feelings in different ways and employ different strategies to manage those feelings in the moment. I reached out to a few of my favourite psychologists and counsellors to learn more about how their own emotions impact them, and the practical strategies they use to feel better.
What do you struggle with most, when it comes to feeling & dealing with emotions?
“I can struggle with the emotion of anxiety, particularly related to worries around not getting everything done, or not doing a “good job” at something. I tend to automatically go into “problem-solving mode” or overcompensate for my anxiety by spending more time and energy thinking and working on a task than might actually be necessary.
The “problem-solving mode” (where I’m very in my head) becomes a kind of escape or distraction from the emotion of anxiety or fear (which is felt in the body). The irony is that when our bodies are in a heightened anxious state, our prefrontal cortex goes offline - which is the part of the brain responsible for rational thought, planning and organising - and so actually it’s incredibly hard for me to think and problem-solve effectively!” - Val (Clinical Psychologist & Director at Head In The Clouds)
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“I feel things very deeply; joy, sadness, anger, and everything in between. Throughout my life, I’ve been made to feel as if this is “too sensitive” or I should have the skills to simply get over difficult emotions.
Ironically, this ability is what makes me a good therapist! It can be hard to be a person who feels very deeply and is sensitive; often I feel misunderstood or imagine people experience me as too needy. I’ve learned that some people won’t understand the intensity with which I feel things but I’ve also learned to be okay with that! I’ve found people who can handle the big-ness of my emotions and who don’t just tolerate it, but love me for it.” - Amber (Psychotherapist/Counsellor & Founder of Rough Patch Counselling)
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“Practising what I preach and 'doing the work'. There's a lot of self-talk for me to get out of my head and into action when feeling down, particularly if I've let myself sit in the feeling for too long. Past that tipping point (usually 24 hours), it's harder to crawl out and start treating myself kindly on the road to recovery. And yet it's so easy to enjoy the emotion when it comes - it's good until it's not.” - Tammi (Counsellor & Founder of BARE Therapy)
What are some effective strategies that you enlist to soothe and regulate?
Self-Compassionate Touch
“Something that I find soothing and regulating when I notice my anxiety spiralling is to pause for a moment, place a hand on my chest and focus on that pressure of my hand while I simultaneously slow down my breathing. Sometimes I close my eyes when I do this. I’ve come to associate the gesture of placing a hand on my chest with telling myself “It’s ok”. This is the way I’ve adapted the concept of self-compassionate touch for self-soothing, but I would encourage people to test out some different ways of self-compassionate touch and figure out what works best for them.” - Val
Engage In A Self-Care Ritual
“A proven combination of deep-belly breathing, an 'everything shower' (using the good lotions) and listening to vintage bangers to wash it all away, and a healthy meal followed by a cuddle with a loved one (four-legged or two).”
- Tammi
Re-read Old Texts or Coach Myself
“Mostly, my difficult feelings arise from interpersonal things - the way I relate to others and them to me. So, the strategies I enlist are usually to help me manage that…
Sometimes I remind myself, through self-talk or reading old texts from people who love me, that I’m not too much and that my people really, really care about me when it’s hard to remember this myself.” - Amber
Ask for Direct, Specific Feedback from the People who Love Me
“I ask my sister to remind me that my needs are not too much and that my sensitivity is a superpower. I ask my trusted colleagues to do an “emotional temperature check” if I feel I’ve over- or underreacted to something important. I have a running joke with my sweetie where I ask for “10 or 40 compliments”, and they just rattle off a bunch of stuff they like about me. All of these things help me fill my cup when I can’t do it for myself, to get clear about whether I’m having an emotional response that stems from past hurts, or simply help me feel some connection, attention and love.” - Amber
Wriggle the body
“I’m reminded (and remind others!) time and time again that our bodies are excellent at helping us regulate if we give them the chance. I often do a full-body wriggle or 60-second dance party to get myself regulated and settled. I focus on rhythmic, repetitive movements such as rocking, swaying or vocalising to help activate my parasympathetic nervous system. If I need to up-regulate and get moving, I’ll do big, energetic movements and sounds, and if I need to settle and soothe, I’ll do gentle, calming movements and sounds.” - Amber
Meet Val
Dr Valerie Lieu is a Clinical Psychologist and the Founder/Director of Head In The Clouds Psychology Practice. Outside of work, Valerie enjoys losing herself in a good book (a favourite is ‘Boy Swallows Universe’ by Trent Dalton), trying - but not sticking to - new hobbies (e.g. tennis lessons, pottery, D&D), and obsessing over her surprisingly affectionate cat, Scout, and unsurprisingly naughty puppy, Frida.
Meet Amber
Amber Rules is a psychotherapist, counsellor, group therapist, clinical supervisor and trainer and founder of Rough Patch Counselling. She has lived experience of the impact and complexities of addiction in her family, and is a lifelong devotee of counselling as a means to healing, understanding, growing, and thriving.
Meet Tammi
Tammi is a Certified Practising Counsellor, registered with the Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia the founder of BARE Therapy and the author of Paperback Therapy. She aims to provide practical, behind-the-scenes counselling to improve mental well-being and is passionate about improving health literacy for all.